here are some photos of myself pregnant, per a friend's request.
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Saturday, June 23, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
just another day
I felt pretty awesome today, mowing the lawn in a death metal tshirt and my combat boots. Sometimes it's so amusing that I'm pregnant. I get happy thinking about the belly dweller.
Friday, June 15, 2012
salt in wounds
So for anyone who decides to read this silly blog, let this be a warning...
Some may call me a pessimist but I prefer to think of myself as a realist with an "expect the worst" view on most situations. Perhaps this is pessimism. I'll let you chose the correct term.
As most people, I've had a lot of unnecessary bullshit in my life, so I find it easier to expect disappointment and be pleasantly surprised when said disappointment never comes. This is simply my way of dealing with things. Also, do not expect to find many composed sunshine and rainbows within my endless ramblings, I generally only write when confuzzled, or frustrated to the point that I feel venting is the only way to keep from exploding into a million tiny pieces all over the place.
I'm sure that explanation of the inner workings of my mind was completely unnecessary since I can think of only one person who would care to read these pages. (yes, you sunshine)
Today I am 13 weeks, 4 days pregnant.
This is a big deal....
Oh yes of course, women get pregnant all the time, it's "the natural order" of things, as they say. There's nothing natural about it to this girl.
I always thought I'd never have kids, I always imagined myself living as I have up until now....minimal responsibility, my own woman (ugh, I hate referring to myself as a woman), free to come and go as I please, in and out of the shadows of life.
So here I am now, a bun in the oven. All those fantasies of growing old into the renegade, nomadic hip old lady are somehow fading and my view of myself is changing and I feel an overwhelming sense of fear and sadness.
Don't go thinking I'm a heartless bitch just yet....
I also find myself feeling so protective of this little belly dweller already. I think of fondly of the little guy and know I'll love it more than I thought possible to ever love anything. I'll have my own little hellion to introduce to art, music and the seediness of the world.
I don't know where I'm going with all of this....
Pregnancy just isn't what I had imagined. But, things always askew from the outside looking in. Here I am, experiencing this insanity first hand and it's more complex and profound than I had ever expected.
I feel a little silly, I somehow thought pregnancy meant people would be nice to me. This hasn't proved to be true. Perhaps kindness comes more the bigger the bump gets, this theory will be tested...I'll report the findings here.
How do I repair this situation??? I'm pregnant and dying on the inside because my lover can't consistently even appreciate my existence in the same room. My heart feels broken and I feel it's my fault.
I try to stay strong and calm for the life growing inside of me. My dreams are haunted with scenes from reality, peppered with horrific images I hope will never be true.
Some may call me a pessimist but I prefer to think of myself as a realist with an "expect the worst" view on most situations. Perhaps this is pessimism. I'll let you chose the correct term.
As most people, I've had a lot of unnecessary bullshit in my life, so I find it easier to expect disappointment and be pleasantly surprised when said disappointment never comes. This is simply my way of dealing with things. Also, do not expect to find many composed sunshine and rainbows within my endless ramblings, I generally only write when confuzzled, or frustrated to the point that I feel venting is the only way to keep from exploding into a million tiny pieces all over the place.
I'm sure that explanation of the inner workings of my mind was completely unnecessary since I can think of only one person who would care to read these pages. (yes, you sunshine)
Today I am 13 weeks, 4 days pregnant.
This is a big deal....
Oh yes of course, women get pregnant all the time, it's "the natural order" of things, as they say. There's nothing natural about it to this girl.
I always thought I'd never have kids, I always imagined myself living as I have up until now....minimal responsibility, my own woman (ugh, I hate referring to myself as a woman), free to come and go as I please, in and out of the shadows of life.
So here I am now, a bun in the oven. All those fantasies of growing old into the renegade, nomadic hip old lady are somehow fading and my view of myself is changing and I feel an overwhelming sense of fear and sadness.
Don't go thinking I'm a heartless bitch just yet....
I also find myself feeling so protective of this little belly dweller already. I think of fondly of the little guy and know I'll love it more than I thought possible to ever love anything. I'll have my own little hellion to introduce to art, music and the seediness of the world.
I don't know where I'm going with all of this....
Pregnancy just isn't what I had imagined. But, things always askew from the outside looking in. Here I am, experiencing this insanity first hand and it's more complex and profound than I had ever expected.
I feel a little silly, I somehow thought pregnancy meant people would be nice to me. This hasn't proved to be true. Perhaps kindness comes more the bigger the bump gets, this theory will be tested...I'll report the findings here.
How do I repair this situation??? I'm pregnant and dying on the inside because my lover can't consistently even appreciate my existence in the same room. My heart feels broken and I feel it's my fault.
I try to stay strong and calm for the life growing inside of me. My dreams are haunted with scenes from reality, peppered with horrific images I hope will never be true.
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